I never did say I loved you enough and you never said goodbye. It tore my insides apart. I don’t think I will ever get over it. I don’t think the sadness will ever leave no matter how long it’s been dad the moment I think of you no longer being here and all the missed opportunities to love you fiercely, sadness fills my heart and my heart hurts beyond words could ever express.

DAD…….

It’s a little after 7:30am on November 6th 2013. I had snoozed my alarm multiple times already and because my ringtone was the same tone I didn’t even realise I had missed 10+ calls. When I eventually checked my phone I felt a sense of panic and I was actually trying to figure out what I had done wrong and what I was about to get in trouble for. I open 1 of the messages and it says “sis, can you please answer your phone it’s urgent”, so I answer the next call and it’s Courtney! She’s crying uncontrollably and my heart sinks and I ask what’s wrong thinking something had happened to either one of my nanas. I was wrong! Courtney says “Talia, come home it’s dad”. In confusion I say “huh? What about him?” To which she replies “HE’S GONE”. You know those scenes in movies where they receive devastating news over the phone and they freeze and the phone drops out of their hands? YEAH THATS HOW I REACTED. X asked what was wrong and I screamed and said, It’s my dad he’s gone. He hugs me really tight as tears flowed BUT ONLY for a little bit before I jumped out of bed and rushed to get change and asked him to drive me home. My phone is going crazy and whilst crying I almost just stop myself and think wait, nah it can’t be true maybe it’s just a bad rumour. Then Big bro calls to check on me and tells me I have to be strong and he will be back as soon as he can. I ignore every other call except from cuzzy in France who says “Hey I’ve just seen some stuff online and I just want to see if it’s true” I’m in the drive way by now (packed with cars might I add) and I scream on the phone “I don’t know I’m still getting home”. As I walk to the front door, nana embraces me and says “Italia I’m so sorry, your dad he’s gone”!!!!!! I don’t think I ended the call but he would have heard for himself that it was true, you had left us. Your heart stopped beating without me by your side and my heart hurts at the thought of you being on your own when you leave behind a wife and 8 children😞 A man who did anything and everything for so many people yet when you needed dad, we weren’t there.

My memories go way back and I’m so glad that they do! Although our relationship was pretty unorthodox I never felt like you didn’t love me. In fact I knew you loved me dad. You always wanted the best for me and you would always catch me when we would be either in the truck or car together that you would ask me how school was, what I wanted to do after school and reminding me how daddy works hard for us. Those midnight courier truck runs where you would wake me up to come and ‘help’ you load the empty cages, knowing very well I was only coming to sleep, have McDonald’s for breakfast and get $20 pay, even if I never even made it off the truck to at least control the tailgate. The times you’d be driving the truck and I can’t have been any older than 10 and the pressure you would dump on me when we were at a T section and you would ask if my side was clear and you wouldn’t even double check, if I said clear there was no going back😂A bit wreckless but the memory makes me smile. The times when you would rock up to school in town in the truck to pick me up or to meet you at Mercury Plaza for lunch and would always remind me not to tell mum lol. Or those times I would be on the bus home and would see your car outside the movies and then when you would get home I would ask where you were to which your automatic reply was “at a meeting” then when I would say buuuut I saw your car at the movies and you would just sit there cracking up sitting in your favourite room of the house THE OFFICE. In the office writing emails in UPPERCASE(dad that’s like you’re yelling at them…No I’m not I’m just making sure they can see lol)with just your two middle fingers navigating through the keyboard. Your big hands that would also try and work through all the latest gadgets and phones. The same hands that would write in the work book that only you could understand because your handwriting was shocking and so too your spelling lol but I miss seeing it.

“You know I’talia, dad has to make sure you kids have food to eat and clothes to wear and a good future so that if anything happens to dad you kids will be ok and can look after mum and your nanas”

Your passion for Rugby, Family, Fats Boys Ltd, Samoan sports association and most importantly serving the community inspired me dad but sadly only more so when it was too late to acknowledge it face to face. You achieved so much in your lifetime and I regret never being vocal about my admiration for you or the things you were involved in and what you were about. I pray that you are able to see my heart and can feel my love for you even though you are no longer here. Only when you passed away did I truly understand why you were so absent. I resented you for it and I regret that more than I can explain. Nothing you did nor the amount of time you spent away was ever in vein and I am just sorry dad if I ever made you feel like you weren’t doing enough as my father. You loved me different to how I thought I was supposed to be loved but I see it very clearly that everything you did was definitely fulfilling for the desires of your heart and a bonus to support us as a family. When I felt you put us second, it was only so that we could be looked after like we were always number 1. I wish I knew then and I wish so badly that I had said thank you more often dad.

Your cheeky dance move you would do to mum when you were in the bad books oh wait actually your mooves all together, your one liners, your quick witted remarks, your nack to network anywhere anytime, your antsy pants, your whistle, your burping the ABC, your subtle limp, your smile, your laugh, your go hard or go home attitude, your carefree spirit, your will to always be on the go, your sweet tooth for an ice cream, your unlimited plugs for events, your love for me, your love for all of us and your grandkids……I MISS IT ALL DAD, I MISS YOU SOOOOO MUCH IT HURTS DEEP IN MY CHEST.

You know what dad, I’ve been given a second chance to treat my father in heaven the way I wished I had treated you. I get to be in relation with him the way my heart desired to be with you. I’ve been given a second chance and I hope that the way I live going forward makes you proud. I regret all the times guys would ask “Oh is Fats your dad” and I would screw up my face and aggressively say NO that’s my uncle. I didn’t want people to just want to be my friend because I was your daughter so I think back to all the times that happened and my heart sinks and I want to uppercut myself because I lay here in bed overly proud to be your daughter, to tell people that you are MY DAD and how much I love you and miss you dad!

I have so much unpacking to do in another blog to come but for now dad this is where I start, I start by acknowledging that I lacked in loving you the way that I now wish if only I could be given just one more moment to tell you I love you. I start by acknowledging there are years of regret that I need to let go of! One step at a time, each day as it comes.

Love & Light always X